Tips on How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Car

Would you believe that several people have come to our blog over the past several weeks after doing searches for 1971 Ford LTD? I received some minor criticism recently that the picture I posted in an earlier post did not do my old car justice.

The picture above is pretty much what my first car looked like, except mine had four doors and a mack truck bulldog on the hood.

And toward the end of its existence, with help from Jake Segotta, I tried to tint the back window. The tint ended up being so full of air pockets that it looked ridiculous, which was entirely my fault. Jake was not culpable in this act, unless you think answering yes to every question and not warning a friend about being stupid is a crime. I tried to make a bad situation better and used a razor blade to crudely carve my last name into the tint. It makes me laugh, just thinking about it. Don't true friends warn you when you act stupid?

And speaking of friends, with the help of Denny Knoll, I installed a new stereo without the benefit of a kit, which I have since learned is essential. I wired in my sister's old stereo speakers and placed them in the back window. I cut and spliced together many, many wires and after much trial and error the deck worked -- for like two days.

I remember being at a stoplight on Stanley Boulevard listening to AC/DC when I smelled something burning. I looked down at my tape deck and saw smoke. As the light turned green I yanked the stereo out. After that I had no way of listening to any music and actually missed my AM radio. And I haven't really liked AC/DC since they fried my deck.

Before the car ultimately met its demise, I foolishly used a drill and a skill saw to cut out my very own sunroof. It was much larger than other car sunroofs. From that point on, whenever I drove on the freeway, what was left of the roof vibrated like thunder. And when it would rain, my seat got all wet.

It is memories like this that help me to have hope for other young men who do boneheaded things. I pretty much took an older car that was really in pretty good shape when I bought it and I ruined it within two years.

Other lessons I learned:

• change the oil or it gets lumpy
• when the needle gets past E, there is a good chance you may run out of gas
• front end work is best left to the experts
• washing your car is good
• when you can touch the "steel" in a steel radial tire, it's time to get a new one
• hubcaps are for sissies
• the bigger your car, the more chicks you can fit in it
• getting the beam of a headlight to point straight is a science that I don't understand
• you don't need to pull a whole headlight when changing a bulb
• side mirrors are overrated
• seat covers are as much a bother as they are a help
• air fresheners only mask certain smells
• jumper cables spark when not used properly
• the round thing located at the end of the handle used to unroll your window is important
• passing on the right is NEVER a good idea
• what is under the hood is more important than what you see

I learned a lot about myself and my mechanical abilities during that time. I appreciate that car now more than I ever did when I was young. If I could find a hybrid version with an MP3 player in it, I might just consider getting another one.